I'm falling apart

I don't think there could be a worse time to fall apart. I'm alone in social isolation, can\t go visit friends or distract myself with a movie or go out to dinner. Not that I feel like talking much anyway. I have finals and projects this week and next and I can't pull it together. I'm afraid of failing out of school and then all of this would have been for nothing.

The other day I tried on his favorite shirt and it fit. I have wanted to wear his shirt forever. I know people don't understand why, I wish I could tell you. It's just something I needed to do. Who understand the messed world of grief?

I can't stop crying. The dreams are coming every night. Last night he was a toddler and I was mad at him for playing in my expensive face cleanser. I came in the room angry at him and he looked up at me with his chubby little face and I melted. I scooped him up and held him like a baby, his head on one arm, his feet dangling over the other and I just held him. He showed me his playdough. He smiled, and then wiggled wanting to get down. I didn't want to let him go...I asked him to let mommy hold him for another minute.

He can't be gone. He can't be gone. He can't be!!!

I know I should get that, right? Why can't my brain except that he's really gone. He isn't going to walk through that door and give me that dimpled smile. If I understand that he is gone, why does it punch me in the gut when these realizations come that he is in fact dead. He can't be dead. Little boys don't die. Not mine!

I'm not okay. I'm falling apart. I can't do this. I can't accept this.

You're tired of hearing the same thing from me, I'm sure. I'm sorry. I am trying to be okay, I really am. I don't know why I can't just heal. Everytime I start to grow a little bit of a scab, something reminds me that he's gone and it's a huge open wound and I just can't breathe.

Who wants to breathe without their child? I will love him and miss him for the rest of my life!!! I will be haunted by the flashback of that night. I'm haunted by the memories and little flashbacks of my son, from the day I gave birth to him until the day he left this earth, just four feet from me.

I can't tell you what it feels like, there are no words. Unless you have been there you can't comrehend how much of the pace in your mind losing your child takes up...at times it's the only thing I think about. I promise I'm not trying to. I try to distract my mind, school, meditation, "happy thoughts" UGH. Yes I'm getting help! Yes I'm doing all the things I'm "supposed" to be doing... It doesn't fucking go away. He's gone and I feel like for the rest of my life I will have one foot in each side....one here and one in death. I feel like my heart will never beat the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

DAMMIT Zuka, I need you here!!! I don't have the option to go... I have to be here and live this life without you....and I'm falling apart... I'm just falling to pieces right now....

Heavy Loads

I've heard it said "Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy." I resonate with this so much.

If you saw me driving to the store today you probably saw me bopping my head to "gimme the beat boys free my soul I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away....."

I greeted everyone at the store with a smile. Except for the lady who was super impatient with me in the produce section because apparently I take to long grabbing raspberries, she got the side eye, but you catch my drift.

I post pictures on social media, always with a crooked smile or what some have teased is a pout, (you know who you are!).

I make stupid videos on Tik Tok and Instagram that only I think are funny.

If you ask me how I'm doing I will likely say, "great thanks and yourself?" That is my go-to and use it 99% of the time.

What you don't see is what lies beneath the surface. Everything you see above is a coping mechanism. It makes me feel better for everyone to think I'm great and that I am handling everything life has thrown at me in the past two years. It's been a lot. I'm haunted by memories and dreams. I'm haunted by old pictures and items that remind me of what I have lost.

You thinking people move on....but many of us don't....or we don't admit that it's taking so much longer than you realize to be okay.

I talk to my therapist, it's one of the few places I cry....besides the shower and in my bed at night. Though it's usually in the morning after a heartbreaking dream.

You can't look a person and judge how well they are doing....it may be how well they hide how they are truly feeling.... and though I can get through more hours or more days without those super dark times, and tears...it doesn't mean it's any less heavy. It's still so much to carry.

I know I have distanced myself from people. Some unconsciously, some accidentally and a few on purpose. Sometimes I'm afraid to care about anyone new. Sometimes I'm afraid of breaking down... I've burned some bridges....some rightfully so and some I wish could be repaired, or new bridges built. Right now though, I just need to struggle and carry this weight and make it look as easy as I can because that's what makes me feel sane...

If you're hurting....please know it's ok to deal with it however you need to. Please find some place that you can reach out, whether it be therapy or someone you can trust and rely on.

 I see you. I see the weight you are carrying....I know it's heavy baby! I see you! If all you did was carry that load another day, I'm so damn proud of you!!!

Keep GOING!!!!!

The Passing of our son Zuka

It is with unimaginable and indescribable sorrow 

that I tell you August 20, 2018, our son, Zuka lost his battle with mental illness.

There are no words and there is no grief like this,

regardless of how it happened, he is gone. A piece of us is gone. 

You can follow our journey at

www.ZukasLegacy.com

https://www.facebook.com/zukaslegacy

You're never alone. Call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) if you are struggling emotionally or thinking about suicide

Braids

J is trying to grow her hair and protect it so she asked if I could do some protective braids. I have only really braided her natural hair and I don't have a ton of experience with synthetic hair but I decided to give it a try. I definitely looked at a few Youtube videos but I think the best way to learn is just to try! When I learned to braid 20+ years ago I had no Youtube videos or anyone to teach me and I just kept trying until I got it right....so don't be afraid to try new things... try new styles! If it doesn't look quite right just keep trying, you will definitely get better with practice! My first braids were on my sister and they took me DAYS to complete lol.

Here is J's current style... she got some of those metal hair wrap beads type things...lol whatever you call them. I am liking this natural boho-esque look on her. This time it only look me two days lol! Well there were plenty of breaks for cooking, cleaning, buying more hair... I think we used 6 packs!

Dope Hair Review

I received some sample products in the mail from Dope Hair and thought I'd do a quick review...

ARGAN OIL SHAMPOO

J doesn't usually use shampoo but decided to give this a try since it was sent for her to review and it contained Argan oil. The scent is nice, it definitely has fragrance in it. J's hair was really clean and didn't feel dried out. She might add this to her routine once in awhile when she needs a deeper clean. Her hair definitely smelled really nice all day! 

ARGAN OIL CONDITIONER

This is a nice conditioner, it's light and creamy. It did make her feel softer and was easier to de-tangle after using. Again, this definitely smells like there is fragrance added and it smells nice, the fragrance stays in the hair and smells fresh all day! 

DOPE EDGES

This product laid J's edges really well. She is really into laying her baby hairs down right now and this works awesome for that!

After the first couple uses she accidentally left it open and it dried up really fast. Lesson learned, if you order this, keep it closed! 

 The "Dope Hair" line was created by Iasia Smith a New York based stylist. She is the creator of Redd Collection Worldwide LLC, which includes "Dope Hair" a hair care line designed for all natural textures as well as chemically treated locks and hair extensions.

You can find these products HERE

Jessicurl Review

We were very excited when we recently received a package of products from Jessicurl to review. These products could not have come at a better time. J has just recently started really embracing her natural hair. For the past two years or so she has been doing so much flat ironing and pulling her hair tight and it was really getting damaged. She recently decided she wanted to start really treating her hair well again, as well as wearing it down in it's natural state. Her hair really needs moisture and repair right now and Jessicurl products are an awesome step on the way back to hair health.

Hair Cleansing Cream


J had given up using any kind of cleanser or shampoo, instead just going for a co-wash. For anyone not familiar with the term co-wash means washing the hair with conditioner. When I told her to wash her hair with the cleansing cream she was a little apprehensive but I assured her this is not a shampoo but a gentle cleaner for her hair that would help remove dirt and product but would not dry out her hair or make it feel frizzy.

There is very little lather to this light creamy textured cleanser. It does not contain damaging chemicals like shampoos most often do. The scent is a wonderful Citrus Lavender, wish not only smells great but has relaxing effects on the body.

There is a nice balance between getting the hair clean and feeling moisturized. Great Cleanser!



Too Shea Extra Moisturizing Conditioner

As the description says this conditioner contains "shea butter (hence the adorable name), jojoba oil, avocado oil and tons of lovely herbs and spices that are all great for hair and scalp." It is a nice healing conditioner. I think the best thing about this conditioner is that it works really well to moisturize the hair, it's thick and rich but it does not make the hair feel greasy, oily or weigh the hair down. That's important for shiny, bouncy curls!
There is no added fragrance, there is a pleasant natural scent.


Deep Conditioning Treatment


Honestly of all the Jessicurl products we were sent, this one was the first empty bottle. J loves it and her hair loves it. Her hair NEEDS this right now. As I was braiding her hair yesterday I noticed that this deep conditioner is making her dry hair feel softer and more moisturized. It is recommended for weekly use but J is using this a few times a week and it's working fine, it does not cause any buildup or feel "Over-conditioned." It's awesome! I definitely recommend!



Confident Coils Styling Solution


We have used and reviewed so many products and we haven't tried one quite like this. It is a creamy textured styling solution that is meant for elongating curls not so much curl enhancing, so if you have great curls but battle the shrinkage this will help with that! Jessicurl recommends using this along with their "Rockin’ Ringlets" product if you want curl enhancement with the elongation. Since J's curls are a bit damaged, we probably could have benefited from using the "Rockin' Ringlets" but for the areas of her hair that are very curly, this did provide some good elongation. In fact, since some of her curls are loosened but flat ironing, this helped balance it out a bit by elongating the tighter curls to meet up with the looser ones.

The Verdict


J and I were very happy with all the products that Jessicurl sent us to try! I really feel these products are helping to pamper and nourish J's hair and bring it back to health.

Big Thanks to Jessicurl for allowing us to review your

 products!!

You can find all the products listed HERE

                Products were provided free of charge for the purpose of an honest review. All opinions are my own honest opinions. 

Degree MotionSense TryDry Voxbox

I received a free trial of Degree MotionSense Fresh Energy Dry Spray Anti-Perspirant in my Degree/Walmart influenster #TryDry voxbox. 

I wanted to share it with you all!

                           

MOM:

I really like this dry spray, it goes on feeling invisible and lasts all day! They say it lasts 48 hours, I am going to take their word on that. I know for sure I can go all day without having to reapply. The fresh scent is great, feminine and sporty and not overpowering. I will definitely purchase this in the future. 

MILAH:

So Mom doesn't know this yet but I am totally swiping her can of dry spray. I like the fresh scent and that it lasts all day! I have a busy day of school, with Gym class during the day and it's important to stay smelling good! Sorry Mom, you are going to have to go buy your own!

If you want to try products like this, click the link below and sign up for influenster!

 I got this free to try but all Opinions are my own!

Cozy Christmas Collection from FramedArt.com

I recently ordered this Christmas themed piece of art from FramedArt.com, called “Christmas by the fireplace.” This piece, from the Cozy Christmas collection, reminds me so much of Christmases growing up in Maine. We had a brick fireplace and always put the Christmas tree near the fireplace, a safe distance away of course. I loved sitting in front of the fireplace and watching the lights on the Christmas tree, feeling the warmth of the fireplace, sipping hot cocoa. When I saw this picture, I was brought right back to that feeling of warmth and comfort and I knew exactly what piece needed to be hanging in my living room!

Once I selected what print I wanted I then had the option of selecting framing. I selected “Rustic weathered Chocolate brown with antique silver accent” which I think looks awesome with my picture. I also chose Plexiglas because with two teens in the house, lots of roughhousing and such, I thought Plexiglas was the safest way to go.

Framed Art packs each piece really well. My artwork came in a large cardboard box, wrapped in plastic, held with thick plastic straps and secured with more cardboard. There was no way the picture was moving and inch. It was delivered by UPS in perfect condition.

I like the picture even more in real life than I did on the website. I think it goes perfectly with the brick colored walls in my living room. I have never had a holiday themed piece of art before so I am excited to have my first! Because it has Plexiglas it will also be easy to store away when the holiday season is over! I love it!

Do you have any art work that you specifically hang during the Holidays? Please leave a comment below and tell me about it! Which piece would you choose from the Cozy Christmas Collection?




I was provided this piece of art for free for the purpose of review. I selected and ordered this piece and all opinions are my own.

Gray Away review and Giveaway

Gray Away

What is Gray Away?

A revolutionary breakthrough in hair care—GRAY AWAY is the fastest and easiest way to temporarily touch-up gray roots. Imagine: no more costly, in-between visits to your hair colorist. In just seconds, you can spray away the gray. Seeing is believing: temporary color has never looked so good!

About Gray Away

It’s hard enough to make it to the salon every six weeks, let alone every two weeks when your gray roots start to show up again. Whether you have limited time or a limited budget we want to introduce you to the perfect root touch-up solution – Gray Away by EVERPRO Beauty. We all have our little beauty secrets, and Gray Away should be in every woman’s beauty arsenal.

Did you know that 70 – 80% of women over 40 color their gray hair, but that 75% of women are not using a temporary root touch-up between colorings because they are not satisfied with what is on the market? We see that as an opportunity to share our favorite solution to a problem that affects more than 60 million women.

Why Gray Away?

Gray roots start to show only 2 weeks after hair coloring, Gray Away is an easy and convenient way to spray away gray roots instantly.

It extends the life of hair color saving both time and money.

Gray Away does not contain dyes, it contains mineral derived pigments and it is safe for everyone to use, even pregnant women!

Gray Away is a great value ($12.99 for 1.5 oz.) and is available in drugstores nationwide and online.

Our Experience:

I invited a friend over to try Gray Away, she has brown hair and her gray hair needs to be colored about every 6 weeks but she says sometimes she isn't able to get it colored right away or other times she might have an event that she does not have time to color her hair in advance for. Grey away literally takes seconds!! She was shocked at how fast and simple it is to use gray away!! 

We sectioned her hair and sprayed at the roots. Neither of us smoke but if you do please do not use while smoking, this product is flammable when wet. It took under 10 minutes to do her whole head at the roots and it looked like she had her hair professionally done!

(pictures to be posted)

a Rafflecopter giveaway

Real Me from nuNaat Review

Passing along this Christmas Greeting from nuNaat!

We recently had the opportunity to try the REAL ME

line from Nunaat.

Lather up & Hydrate Shampoo

About:

The Real Me Lather Up & Hydrate Shampoo cleanses and moisturizes hair without weighing it down, strengthens hair and maintains a healthy scalp without stripping hair of its natural oils, which ultimately will result in silky soft, easier to style hair with an intense shine. 

Our Experience:

 Lather Up & Hydrate Shampoo cleanses hair while adding moisture. It made Milah's hair really clean and smelling nice without making it feel dry. It's a really rich feeling shampoo that pampers and hydrates the hair. I really like this shampoo on Milah's type 4 b/c hair. 

Real Moisture Conditioner

About:

The Real Moisture Conditioner works to soften and hydrate the hair and provides great slip for the detangling process. It also helps to eliminate frizz for a longer period of time.

Our Experience:

After shampooing Milah applied the Real Moisture conditioner to her damp hair. We always towel dry the hair a bit before applying conditioner to make sure conditioner gets into the hair. She left the conditioner on for about 3 minutes each time she used it and then rinsed. Her hair was so much easier to detangle! Her hair was left feeling soft smelling so nice!

Pick Me Up Sheen

About:

The Pick Me Up Sheen one of the most versatile styling products you can find! It softens and protects your hair leaving it intensely shiny and easy to style. It controls frizz without leaving behind residue. You can apply it to wet or dry hair and style as usual. You can also keep it in your purse to use it throughout the day, if necessary, to restore vitality to your hair

Our Experience:

The next step to shiny, healthy looking hair? Pick Me Up Sheen! Milah applied this to her hair after shampooing and conditioning while her hair was still damp. It makes the hair look so nice. A little goes a long way with this product so it will last you for awhile! 

Natural Curl Activator

About:

The Natural Curl Activator keeps your hair hydrated and frizz-free for an extended period of time. It protects your hair from harsh environmental conditions and prevents breakage and it defines your curls for that natural gorgeous look without dreaded crunch.

Our Experience:

Next, Milah used a bit of Natural Curl Activator to pump her curls up a bit. It helps to define curls like a gel but does not dry with that crunchy feeling... It dried soft and shiny! 

Perfect Do Pomade

About:

The Perfect Do Pomade is very lightweight and works wonders on all hair textures without weighing it down. It also hydrates hair to prevent breakage while providing softness and shine. You can apply the Perfect Do Pomade to sections of your hair and distribute it evenly throughout using your fingers, wide-tooth comb or brush. It is excellent when doing twist-outs, braid-outs and other natural styles. You can also use it in conjunction with the Pick Me Up Sheen and the Natural Curl Activator if you want for longer lasting styling.

Our Experience:

Love this pomade. Milah used this in her curly styles and also when doing twists, it provides just the right amount of hold while retaining softness. 

I didn't realize until after uploading the pictures below that you can see a bit of the product in her hair while it was still damp. Please note that this product is not white when it dries....it is invisible!! 

Before:

After:

Washing and Styling with Real Me

Blast Of Shine Hair Mask

About:

The Blast Of Shine Hair Mask deep conditions and repairs your hair. You can apply it every other week, or according to your hair needs. It helps control excessive volume and those fly-aways. It works best on freshly washed hair. Apply and let it act for 15 minutes. You may leave it in for a longer period of time depending on your moisturizing needs. You can also use a plastic or heated cap during this process. It works best on freshly washed hair. Apply and let it act for 15 minutes. You may leave it in for a longer period of time depending on your moisturizing needs. You can also use a plastic or heated cap during this process

Our Experience:

Once a week Milah has been using the Blast of Shine Hair Mask. It really makes her hair feel soft and adds shine without making her hair feel greasy or weighed down! Awesome product! She covers with her plastic cap and she has a cap that keeps her hair warm with heated gel packs but she would not allow me to post a picture of her in the cap! lol It's not necessary to use heat but it can help to get the product into the hair. 

You can find nuNAAT online at:

http://www.nunaat.com/

www.facebook.com/nunaat

www.instagram.com/nunaatbeauty

www.twitter.com/nunaat

Thanks so much to nuNAAT for allowing me to review their products!

I was provided these products to review. This was not a paid review All opinions are my own.

Updates and Holiday Fun!!

Hey friends! I hope you all had a wonderful Thanksgiving! 


I have not forgotten about you all.... In fact in the next couple of weeks I have several reviews coming up and some awesome giveaways!! YAY! (hint: one of these prizes will help with the Holiday Shopping!!)

LOTS of awesome stuff coming your way throughout December so definitely stay tuned!

Right now I would appreciate if you all did me a favor. A Special needs class here in my state is trying to get Ellen's attention and would love for you to watch and share this video of them doing the penguin dance! Just click the link below! 

Thanks so much and remember to check back soon for all the Holiday Surprises!!

Click to see the Penguin Dance

Sass N' Frass

I am loving the cute gift ideas on this site!!!

Click the Pic to check it out! 

Moodstruck 3D Fiber Lashes from Younique Review

Moodstruck 3D Fiber Lashes 

from Younique

I have short blond lashes. I have tried what seems like every mascara out there! There have been some I really liked and some not so much but, I have never been completely blown away by any of them...until now!

I had heard a lot about the Moodstruck 3D Fiber Lashes from Younique from friends and many YouTube beauty guru's. I agreed that their lashes did look good but, I figured they probably had a lot better looking lashes than me to begin with. I figured, what can a mascara product possibly do with my short blond lashes?!

I decided to give it a try:

my before look:

(please note my original "before" shot was deleted so I had to take another the next day 

which is why I have different eye shadow)

I followed the three step instructions from the website (it also comes with a little instructional booklet)

1. To prepare your eyelashes for optimal results, first apply one thin coat of your own regular favorite mascara and let it dry. Then, apply Moodstruck Transplanting Gel to your lashes.

(I used my black Mary Kay mascara, just one thin coat)

2. Immediately following, and while the gel is still wet, apply the Moodstruck Natural Fibers.

3. Reapply the Transplanting Gel a second time to secure the natural fibers onto your lashes.

Robin also let me know that you can use this product by itself without a pre-coat of a different mascara! That's even better! 

The fibers cling to the ends of your lashes and make them look soooo very long! 

Can you even imagine?! It looks like I am wearing lashes, though you can clearly see that I am not! 

I am very impressed! I think my lashes look much thicker and much longer! The look lasted all day until I took it off with oil in the evening. I had no issues, it was simple to use and I really like the results!! It's much easier than putting on fake lashes and definitely more comfortable! 

Find ingredients and their purpose Here:

I got my 3D Fiber lashes from Robin Forney:

Find her on FACEBOOK

Moodstruck 3D Lashes

Younique Products Presented by Robin Forney

****Thanks so much to Robin for allowing me to review the 3D fiber Lashes! I am hooked!****

10 year old Curly Cutie Going Natural

This is Ashley, she is 10 and has recently done the big chop!

  I asked Ashley's mother, Stephanie, if she would allow us to share her natural hair journey. 

She sent these great before and after pics and shared a little about going natural! 

Stephanie said relaxer was not for Ashley's hair. She said the chemicals are too strong which caused breakage etc. 

pre-relaxed,

relaxed

her mom said she started noticing breakage

She's been growing it out since December 2013 and finally got rid of the relaxed ends on September 18, 2014. 

She wore braids and several other protective styles like buns, twists and crochet braids.

 

Finally decided to do the big chop to free her from any potential growth stunt that the relaxed hair may have been causing. 

She's happy and excited about experimenting with products for her new found natural tresses.

They said they like the Cantu product line.

They also use Shea butter which makes the hair feel soft and more manageable!

She looks absolutely beautiful! 

Her hair looks so healthy and soft! 

Thanks so much for sharing your journey with us 

Ashley and Stephanie!! 

Hopefully they will continue to update us on her journey!!