I'm falling apart

I don't think there could be a worse time to fall apart. I'm alone in social isolation, can\t go visit friends or distract myself with a movie or go out to dinner. Not that I feel like talking much anyway. I have finals and projects this week and next and I can't pull it together. I'm afraid of failing out of school and then all of this would have been for nothing.

The other day I tried on his favorite shirt and it fit. I have wanted to wear his shirt forever. I know people don't understand why, I wish I could tell you. It's just something I needed to do. Who understand the messed world of grief?

I can't stop crying. The dreams are coming every night. Last night he was a toddler and I was mad at him for playing in my expensive face cleanser. I came in the room angry at him and he looked up at me with his chubby little face and I melted. I scooped him up and held him like a baby, his head on one arm, his feet dangling over the other and I just held him. He showed me his playdough. He smiled, and then wiggled wanting to get down. I didn't want to let him go...I asked him to let mommy hold him for another minute.

He can't be gone. He can't be gone. He can't be!!!

I know I should get that, right? Why can't my brain except that he's really gone. He isn't going to walk through that door and give me that dimpled smile. If I understand that he is gone, why does it punch me in the gut when these realizations come that he is in fact dead. He can't be dead. Little boys don't die. Not mine!

I'm not okay. I'm falling apart. I can't do this. I can't accept this.

You're tired of hearing the same thing from me, I'm sure. I'm sorry. I am trying to be okay, I really am. I don't know why I can't just heal. Everytime I start to grow a little bit of a scab, something reminds me that he's gone and it's a huge open wound and I just can't breathe.

Who wants to breathe without their child? I will love him and miss him for the rest of my life!!! I will be haunted by the flashback of that night. I'm haunted by the memories and little flashbacks of my son, from the day I gave birth to him until the day he left this earth, just four feet from me.

I can't tell you what it feels like, there are no words. Unless you have been there you can't comrehend how much of the pace in your mind losing your child takes up...at times it's the only thing I think about. I promise I'm not trying to. I try to distract my mind, school, meditation, "happy thoughts" UGH. Yes I'm getting help! Yes I'm doing all the things I'm "supposed" to be doing... It doesn't fucking go away. He's gone and I feel like for the rest of my life I will have one foot in each side....one here and one in death. I feel like my heart will never beat the same. Nothing will ever be the same.

DAMMIT Zuka, I need you here!!! I don't have the option to go... I have to be here and live this life without you....and I'm falling apart... I'm just falling to pieces right now....

Heavy Loads

I've heard it said "Just because I carry it well doesn't mean it isn't heavy." I resonate with this so much.

If you saw me driving to the store today you probably saw me bopping my head to "gimme the beat boys free my soul I wanna get lost in your rock and roll and drift away....."

I greeted everyone at the store with a smile. Except for the lady who was super impatient with me in the produce section because apparently I take to long grabbing raspberries, she got the side eye, but you catch my drift.

I post pictures on social media, always with a crooked smile or what some have teased is a pout, (you know who you are!).

I make stupid videos on Tik Tok and Instagram that only I think are funny.

If you ask me how I'm doing I will likely say, "great thanks and yourself?" That is my go-to and use it 99% of the time.

What you don't see is what lies beneath the surface. Everything you see above is a coping mechanism. It makes me feel better for everyone to think I'm great and that I am handling everything life has thrown at me in the past two years. It's been a lot. I'm haunted by memories and dreams. I'm haunted by old pictures and items that remind me of what I have lost.

You thinking people move on....but many of us don't....or we don't admit that it's taking so much longer than you realize to be okay.

I talk to my therapist, it's one of the few places I cry....besides the shower and in my bed at night. Though it's usually in the morning after a heartbreaking dream.

You can't look a person and judge how well they are doing....it may be how well they hide how they are truly feeling.... and though I can get through more hours or more days without those super dark times, and tears...it doesn't mean it's any less heavy. It's still so much to carry.

I know I have distanced myself from people. Some unconsciously, some accidentally and a few on purpose. Sometimes I'm afraid to care about anyone new. Sometimes I'm afraid of breaking down... I've burned some bridges....some rightfully so and some I wish could be repaired, or new bridges built. Right now though, I just need to struggle and carry this weight and make it look as easy as I can because that's what makes me feel sane...

If you're hurting....please know it's ok to deal with it however you need to. Please find some place that you can reach out, whether it be therapy or someone you can trust and rely on.

 I see you. I see the weight you are carrying....I know it's heavy baby! I see you! If all you did was carry that load another day, I'm so damn proud of you!!!

Keep GOING!!!!!